Once Upon A Time
There Was This Bird.
It was late autumn and the weather was changing so that most of the birds were headed south for the winter. However, this one bird decided it would stay for the winter - just to be different.
As winter came, it turned cold and freezing. The bird became very cold - so cold that its claws couldn't grip the tree branch it was perched on and it fell to the cold, frozen ground.
Shivering, the bird realized is was about to freeze to death when along came a bull and took a dump right on top of that bird.
Great, the bird thought, what else could go wrong? But after a few minutes, the bird noticed that the pile of manure he was in was warming and insulating him from the cold. It would not freeze to death!
That bird was so overjoyed because it was going to live that it started chirping loudly.
A fox wandering by that pile of shit, hearing the bird chirping, dug it out and ate it.
Moral of the Story:
1. Just because someone shits on you, does not mean they are your enemy.
2. And just because someone digs you out of a pile of shit does it mean they are your friend.
3. If you are warm and cozy in a pile of shit, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!
DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
‘I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!’
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. Just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled:
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Go Get Him, Spike!"