Flying Hi

Landing On An Aircraft Carrier

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Landing on an aircraft carrier during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on a carrier at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.

LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN
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Definitions of Good Landings

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good landing' is one from which you can walk away from.

But very few know the definition of a 'great landing' It's one after which you can use that airplane again.

Russian Planes

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Good God - These Fly?

If it’s ugly, it’s British; if it’s weird, it’s French; and if it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.

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The worst day of flying still beats the best day of real work.

You can only tie the record for flying low.

Flying at night is the same as flying in the day, except you can't see.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will be:

1. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.

2. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight.

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll bitch slap you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the ground, the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Stewardess's Comments

1. "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something valuable."

2. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. Passenger to stewardess "Superman doesn't use a seatbelt!" Stewardess to passenger "Superman doesn't use a plane to fly, either."

And How They Open Cabinets

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Magic Beer

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has a lounge on the top of a 13 story building and sits down.

A man in a trench coat leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" and holds up the bottle of the beer he is drinking so she can see the label. "It allows you to do amazing things!"

Superman - The Jokester

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At this the man takes a swig of the beer, stands up, jumps off the building and flies around twice before flying back to the lounge on the top of the building.

Excited, the blonde orders the same beer and drinks it. She then takes a running leap off the top of the building…and promptly falls 13 floors to her death.

The owner of the bar then turns to the man in the trench coat and says, "You know you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."
Four Ways
There are four ways to fly:

1 The right way
2 The wrong way
3 The company way
4 The captain's way

Only one of them counts.

Pilots Opinion

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Going Peacefully

I want to die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep,

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.