No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Don'y ever ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
What Adults Eventually Learn
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein "Never put off till tomorrow that which you can put off the day after tomorrow" ― Mark Twain "You can’t always control who walks into your life but, you CAN control which window you throw them out of…" ― Unknown "Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him." ― Groucho Marx "If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." ― Johnny Carson