Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

He drank the whiskey on the way down so he wouldn't break the bottle when he hit the ground.

When he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops, he killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did you learn from that horrible story?"

"Don't F--K with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

And When Uncle Bob Was In Grade School

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Bob isn't paying attention, so she asks him:

"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Bob says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Bob says, "Because the shot scared the others off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Bob then asks the teacher:

"If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream.

Bob says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"