What Children Learn Fast No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. back What Adults Eventually Learn Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. back Political Correct Way To Someone is Stupid A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. A few beers short of a six pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Saliency's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. back More Political Correct Way To Someone is Stupid A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural DE-selection. One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. Donated his body to scientists - before he was done using it. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Fell out of the family tree. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. He's so dense, light bends around him. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. back