- Everyone has their favorite lawyer joke.
While most them are really terrible, I have save
everyone the time and published on "the best of"
lawyer jokes. Enjoy, and may the lawsuits pass
you by.
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Why won't sharks attack
lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
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What do you call a lawyer
who's gone bad?
Senator.
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What did the lawyer name
his daughter?
Sue.
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What do you get when you
cross a lawyer with a demon from
hell?
Another lawyer.
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How many lawyer jokes are
there?
Only three. The rest are true
stories.
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What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen
look good.
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What is the difference
between yogurt and the American
Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
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What do you call a lawyer
with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
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What's the only
disadvantage to using lawyers
instead of rats in laboratory
experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the
test results to human beings.
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Why are laboratory
scientists switching from rats to
lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful
than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't
get as attached to the lawyers,
and
3. There are some things a rat
just won't do.
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What happens to a lawyer
who is thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
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What do you get when you
cross the Godfather with a
lawyer?
An offer you can't
understand.
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Hear about the terrorist
that hijacked a 747 full of
lawyers?
He threatened to release one
every hour if his demands weren't
met.
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What's the difference
between a dead skunk in the road
and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front
of the skunk.
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What's the other difference
between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'till you're
dead to rip your heart out.
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How do you know when your
divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem
like a bloodsucking leech
anymore.
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What's another difference
between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer
miles.
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What is the difference
between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop
off when its victim dies.
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What's the difference
between a female lawyer and a pit
bull?
Lipstick.
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What's the other difference
between a lawyer and a
prostitute?
Clothes.
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What is the difference
between a dead lawyer and a
squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the
skunk.
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What's the difference
between a lawyer and a
prostitute?
A prostitute will stop
screwing you when you're
dead.
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Factory
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New Mexico's
Better Idea
In the New
Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a
Republican from Alburqueque, proposed an amendment to a
psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator (a
Democrat).
The Scott
amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New
Mexico's legal system. The amendment said:
"When
psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's
competency hearing the psychologist or psychiatrist shall
wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall.
The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and
lightning bolts.
"Additionally,
a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a
white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and
shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by
stabbing the air with a wand.
Whenever a
psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony
regarding a defendant's competency, the bailiff shall
contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer
two strikes to a Chinese gong."
The bill,
with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote
and cleared the house by 46-14. Unfortunately, Gov. Gary
Johnson vetoed the legislation.
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