Landing On An Aircraft Carrier

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Landing on an aircraft carrier during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on a carrier at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.

— LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN

Definitions of Good Landings

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

One Liners

If it’s ugly, it’s British; if it’s weird, it’s French; and if it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.

The worst day of flying still beats the best day of real work.

You can only tie the record for flying low.

Flying at night is the same as flying in the day, except you can't see.

It at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will be:

  • One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
  • One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight.

A Man and His Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll bitch slap you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"